What's Wrong With Those Stupid Mormons?

By Señor Einnor Yarb


Mormons make me sick!  Nor only do they say they are Christians [yeah, right, eh?] but then they go about acting as if they actually were Christians!  I mean, being a Christian is one thing, but acting like a Christian is something no sensible person expects of another, right?  I mean, even those goody-goody go-to-church-on-Sunday-Bible-reading-Christians drop the façade sometimes and behave like normal human beings, right?  They sure do, but those Mormon don’t, and that’s what makes me sick.  I expect they get up your nose too, right?  I thought so!


You and me have seen enough Christians to know that while they are pretty good most of the time, they are not so fanatical that their religion becomes the core of everything they do.  Jesus knew that Christians were sinners and didn’t ask them to stop sinning.  I know you know that, unless you are one of those Christians that think Jesus meant whet he said when he told Christians to be perfect just as God is perfect.  But, you don’t believe that, right?  You haven’t fallen for that old piece of religious nonsense, because you know that Christians are just ordinary people that sin and bluff their way through the world just like the godless do, yes?  


No one but a fool expects Christians to be kind and nice to everyone because it is humanly impossible.  Judas was a Christian and he betrayed his teacher, but that’s what Christians do, right?  I mean, well, I suppose you could call me a Christian.  I was christened as a baby, went to Sunday School for a few years, and even read the Bible once.  Not from cover to cover, because I am not a religious fanatic.  But I read part of it.  Something in Matthew I think around Christmas time.  It was about some men on camels bringing gold bullion to a baby and some scented candles.  One of the men was called Frankenstein, but I don’t know what the other names were.  Anyway, I read enough to know that Jesus was supposed to be a star and lead Egypt out of Israel, but it all came to nothing because he got lost when he was twelve and was not heard from again.  


When someone sends me a Xmas card with a star on it I remember how badly wrong it all went, and I am a bit mad because Christians refuse to believe the truth about what’s written in the Bible and how Harrod’s killed all the babies but one and he was hidden in Noah’s Ark and floated down the Nile back into Egypt where he built pyramids and set fire to shrubbery.  Then he crossed the desert looking for King Solomon’s Mines.  


But, you tell that to a Mormon and he’ll not believe you!  The problem with Mormons is that they take what Jesus and the Bible says too literally.  No true Christian believes that Jesus wants us to serve each other, bear each other’s burdens, and weep for those that mourn.  That’s religious idealism taken too far.  Jesus knows we are human and makes mistakes and doesn’t expect too much of us.  I’d say that it someone keeps two or three of the Ten Commandments, then that’s enough for Jesus.  It is probably OK with Jesus if you just keep one, so you can pretty much please yourself which one and you’ll be a heaven bound Christian.  Mormons talk as if Jesus meant everything he said and as if the Bible was a book you could believe in.  That shows how out of touch they are with Christianity today.  


My sister married a Mormon and so I know all about them.  They don’t follow the Pope, but then a lot of Christians don’t, but Mormons read the Bible too much and too often for me to trust them.  How can you trust someone that believes a dead man was brought back to life after being pronounced dead?  Mormons believe that.  Mormons haven’t caught up with Christians today that know Jesus’ rising was simply a spiritual thing and not a literal physical thing.  Christians don’t believe that dead people live again like they did in life with the same bodies, but that they float about someplace out there with no shape, no identities, and no personalities.  A bit like wispy clouds on a summer day.  Mormons believe in a real bodily resurrection, poor fools, and that show how far away from proper Christianity Mormons are.  Job believed that same thing, but then he lived in a time when science hadn’t set religion right.  


Mormons take the Bible literally.  When it says God made the world, then that’s what they believe!  Unlike proper Christians, they don’t believe that it was simply a cosmic accident waiting to happen.  They have been fooled into thinking that God intended to make the world, meant to make people, and that everything God does or did has a purposes and that humanity is at the centre of his divine aspirations.  They won’t agree with you and all your worldly-wise and learned pastors that man came out of a primeval soup that turned to slime and then little animals were generated by accident and grew over many years to be the variety of flora and fauna abroad in the world.  Therefore, I have to ask: “What’s wrong with those stupid Mormons?”  


Mormon Morals belong in the Old Testament and in the New Testament time of Jesus and the apostles.  Mormons don’t cheat, lie, backbite, gossip, or curse.  In fact, they don’t do all the things that normal Christians do.  And why don’t they?  Because of their primitive unscientific belief in the Bible as God’s word.  


Mormons are so out of touch that they teach chastity, honesty, integrity, straight dealing, and in giving value for money.  They’ll never get anywhere thinking and behaving like that.  Leastways not into heaven.  


Every preacher worth his salt will tell you that if mass murderers like Hitler ask for forgiveness on their death beds and accept Jesus with their dying breath that all their sins are forgiven and they get into heaven with the white robe, the golden crown, the harp and everything the best saints of history will get for their suffering for Christ.  That’s all you have to do, confess Jesus and then you can go on living the life of Satan himself but you are saved when you die. 


What’s wrong with Mormons that they can’t see that?  Why do they have to complicate religion by bringing God and Jesus into it?  Just because Jesus said if you don’t DO the will of the Father then you won’t get into heaven, Mormons believe Jesus.  But listen to the evangelists on TV and they’ll tell you that all you have to do it believe and your saved once and for all no matter what kind of life you live after that!  Once saved always saved, and don’t worry about the straight and narrow or building your house on the sands.  Jesus wasn’t always right! 


Don’t get me wrong.  Mormons are nice folk that go without food to feed the poor.  Well, that kind of thing was alright in Jesus’ days when there were poor people around.  But today, well, just look at your neighbours and none of them is starving, right?  Who do Mormons think they’re kidding?  


Mormons should be thankful that real Christians ignore them.  There were times when their fellow Christians couldn’t stand Mormons and so they lied about them, raped them, beat them, killed them, and stole from them, driving them out of one place after another just to keep Christianity pure.  It was the fault of the Mormon.  Their fellow Christians would have left them alone if Mormons hadn’t gone on about worshipping God as Christians did in the Bible.  Nobody wants to go back to those days when saints were tortured and martyred by pagans for being Christians.  Even the days when Christians rose up against other Christians with swords and pistols to murder them for the good of their souls have mostly disappeared.  Mormons are lucky about that, for if that same spirit was still around then concerned Christians and other murderous clubs would fill pages and pages of Facebooks with outrageous lies about Mormons to generate hatred from other Christians.  Some of these haters would even pretend to be Mormons, such a stake president, missionary elders, and the like because although Christianity has lost its old spiritual power, and much of its righteous content, it is still a force for violence and hatred and they would attack those Mormon mercilessly, because that’s what they do best.  


You can put a white shirt on a black-shirted Nazi but he’s still a Nazi.  You can put a surplice on a Mormon hater but he and she are still Mormon haters, and it is these haters that set the standards for millions of Christians to go after Mormons.  I don’t know why Mormons don’t see the light and abandon their faith so they can have easier lives.  They must be stupid because no one would put up with that much persecution for years and years and be hated, reviled, and spat upon, even murdered, if the had any sense.


Jesus was just as stupid as Mormons are.  He was persecuted, lied about, and beaten up by the religious of his day just as Mormons are by today’s Christians.  But neither Jesus nor Mormons have the wit to call it quits and run and hide.  Some say that Jesus courted death because he believed he had to die to save mankind from themselves.  I suppose Mormons have the same idea as Jesus and that is whey they won’t simply fade into the dark and disappear.  


Like Jesus must have done, I suspect that Mormons take drugs so they can smile at those that revile them and speak evil of them without raising their hands to strike their malefactors.  I have heard Mormons bless those that rail against them and despitefully use them, and they say that Jesus did the same.  I have to ask why Mormon must go to such extremes to be like Jesus when other Christians don’t seem to take the time or trouble to be Christlike?  


I tell you there is something wrong with someone whose religious faith leads them to martyrdom and suffering when it would all be over if they would abandon their principles like Judas and other Christians that have turned traitor and while keeping the name ‘Christian’ have dropped all pretence of following him.  What’s wrong with these stupid Mormons?  


Don’t they know that Christianity of the kind Jesus taught has had its day?  Don’t they see the signs all around them?  Don’t they hear the haters mocking them and telling them they are too Christlike and are trying too hard to keep God’s commandments when the rest of the Christian world has dropped the commandments as if they were hot potatoes?  


Just think what the world would be like if all Christians started acting like Mormons!  Just think what the world would be like if Mormon Christian values were to hit politics and politicians always spoke the truth.  Why, nowadays we know that politicians tell lies.  We rather expect that of them.  But, if Mormons go into politics he’ll always tell the truth no matter what it costs him in votes, and then where will we be?  It’s better to know you can’t trust a politician than it is to have them stand up and start telling the truth all over the place.  Those Mormons have a lot to answer for.


Did you know – and I’ll bet you didn’t – that Mormons teach their children to love God and Jesus?  They do!  They also teach them to love each other and to honour their parents.  Can you imagine what a mess the world would be in if everybody did that?  

I’ll never understand Mormon as long as I live.  But then, I don’t understand that Jesus fellow either!  

Copyright (C) 2015 - Ronnie Bray - Yorkshire Tales / YARB Creative Arts
Copyright (C) 2015 - Ronnie Bray - Yorkshire Tales / YARB Creative Arts

Señor Einnor Yarb