1 Jan 84
Well, that’s another year gone. What have I done with it? Surely I must have done something. My memory is getting so bad I can’t remember what I did last week.
Tomorrow I hope to sit down with my family (Gary & Joanne) and set goals.
One will be to write more often in my journal. Joanne has been a big help to me this year. She cleans up and washes the dishes so that when I come home from work I am not overfaced. I really don’t know how I would manage without her. She has grown up a lot this past year.
We plan for her to go to America next July for 2 months.
I spoke at Stake Conference the Sunday before Christmas. Elder [Carlos] Asay from the 1st Quorum of Seventy was there. It was a great privilege to speak. That is twice I have spoken at stake. The odds are that I won’t speak again. My talk was on the blessings of tithing, and I certainly have plenty of them.
Had some problems with Seminary. I need to love my students more. Carole Quinn went missing for 2 days at Christmas. I was really shook up about it and realized how much I really do love these youth. I am going to try to teach them better.
Gary had a job at Scoffs, but was laid off 2 weeks before Christmas. He was out of work for a week then got a job in a warehouse. His dad says he will try to get him work with him. He will get better pay and training of some kind. Who knows what this year will bring? I know what I want it to bring and I shall work towards it.
Karen is expecting her fourth baby. I am delighted. She has a lovely big house just meant for children, and it is another spirit down into God’s church. There are about 6 in our ward expecting babies. I think it is great. Karen is very sickly, she does seem to suffer that way. I hope it doesn’t last too long.
Saw my brother Maurice last Sat. He lives at Claremont Grove, Wrose now in a lovely bungalow. He is so proud of it. I am going to have him over for tea soon and give them - that is his wife Linda as well - a Book of Mormon. I wish I could get them to come to Church
Tried to inspire the Sisters to improve themselves this coming year by setting ‘Goals.’
I have set some myself, one of them being to write in my journal at least once a week.
I have a stronger testimony of the church as time goes on, as the Lord hears and answers my prayers. Gary was out of work 2 weeks before Christmas. I prayed and told the Lord if he could get another job he would pay his tithing. Gary got another job; not very good, but a job, at Denly Seamanites [?] doing whatever they happened to need him to do for each day: painting, burning rubbish, or cleaning the place up.
He sat down with me and we worked out his money. He put tithing at the top of the list and even now already the Lord has blessed him with the overtime he needs to pay his commitments.
I was sad he didn’t go to church today. It is really about time he decided to come without being persuaded all the time.
Joanne had her hair cut, she looks quite grown up and very pretty. I pray she might gain a strong testimony of the church. It is a privilege to be a member.
Went to College last Wednesday. My teacher thinks I will pass without any bother. Her ‘high’ marks are 5 & 5½ . I get 6½ & 7, so it boosts my confidence..
I feel more enlightened about the New Testament teachings, especially of Paul. He understood Jesus’ teaching about the fulfilling of the Mosaic Law, and faith and works being the most important factors, not all the outward rituals which only serve as reminders. We need these things like baptizm & sacrament, but we need to work as individuals (helping each other), but each striving for his own salvation by loving our fellow men enough that we wouldn’t break the Mosaic laws anyway. (Hope that’s clear).
MONDAY 9TH JAN
Planned and held a Family Home Evening, it was a big success. We really had the Spirit in our home. We talked about what each other liked and disliked. Gary went off to see Debbie [Quinn?], then unknown to me went to Ken & Carolyn’s. I woke about 2.30 [am] to find he wasn’t home. It is very worrying when he is riding the scooter. I prayed and eventually was prompted several times to ring Ken, and when I eventually did Ken told me he was there. The Lord does listen to your prayers and does help you when you ask him. I really was almost pushed to the telephone.
Had an uplifting evening at Seminary Faculty. Pres Jokl teaches us. He makes you feel good about yourself and gives you a desire to do better, which is what we ought to be doing for each other.
It snowed a lot today after 2 days of terrific winds which caused a lot of damage. I took Ella for a walk the ‘Chellow’ this morning, she chased a hare. Ella can run very fast but that hare could run faster. Gary was working today but he came to church of his own accord which is good. It’s not good when he has to be persuaded all the time.
Ken & Carolyn came for tea. I made sweet & sour turkey, it was lovely if I say so myself. I must do it again. Gillian Robson fell and broke her foot today coming home from church.
Julie Dunn gave a talk about the ‘Prodigal Son,’ it was the best talk from a youth I think I have heard. She really explained the meaning well. Fam. Home Evening tomorrow, hope it goes well.
SUN 5TH FEB
Pam rang me last Thurs. She was on the phone nearly ¾ of an hour. It worries me when she spends so long on the phone, it is so expensive. We planned for Joanne going over this year and talked about how blessed we are in our family. Pam & Karen both have good husbands with good jobs: Gary has a job, not very good pay but in this day and age with so many out of work he is blessed. Now Joanne can plan for America, and of course I am going to college for a week at Wentworth Castle next week.
Pam was telling me about her children. Andrew is so good, he doesn’t hit Emily no matter what she does to him. He is a gentle child. Emily is a bundle of fun and disaster. She flushed Pam’s rings down the toilet and when Pam got up the other day she had been sat striking matches. Their houses are made from wood, so it would have been serious if she had started a fire.
My brother Maurice and his wife came for tea a week ago yesterday. We talked about genealogy and laughed a lot about events in our lives. We haven’t talked for so long, we both had lots of tales to tell. Linda, Maurice’s wife, is a nice person. She has made Maurice very happy and she said she wished she had met him earlier. Perhaps they wouldn’t have appreciated each other as much then before their first marriage experiences. I must write and tell them how I feel about them and the Gospel.
Wrote to Linda & Maurice today; hope they want to know more about the Church. (Got a letter to say, not yet. Maybe sometime they will want religion in their lives).
Went for a week to Wentworth Castle (Northern College), it was super. There were 7 men and 3 women in our group. I wrote a poem about Joanne, and an essay about my grandchildren. We went to the library one day and we talked and talked, it was such a nice change and so enlightening.
On Thurs. I went with the 7 men to a country pub to watch a group of folk singers. Everyone was so polite and kind. I drank lemonade but the men didn’t drink much anyway.
Our main tutor was David Browning. I like him a lot. He was pleasant to listen to and had a compassionate nature. He worked for OXFAM for a few years and he seems very busy chasing about after people. He must spend a lot of time reading. I imagine his house with stacks and stacks of books. He digs his garden every year. Yes I like him. We put together and bought him a pen. He was very moved.
22 Feb 1984
Today I sent a letter, an Ensign, and a pamphlet about Joseph Smith to David Browning. I will fast tomorrow. My mind is in a turmoil. I feel this man could do so much for the Lord. He reminds me of Saul in a way. He has so much talent to harness.
Trust in the Lord with all thine Heart. I will try.
------- ------- ------- -------
Last day of Feb today. Not a word from David Browning. I will keep on praying.
Gary broke his ankle on Monday, he came off his scooter at lunch time. On Sunday I was complaining about how little time I had but I must have been wrong because this week I have been bombarded with requests for help.
- Gary needs a lot of extra help;
- I taught at a Relief Society Board Meeting Tuesday;
- I have all Joanne’s jobs to do this week because she is away at Telford. (She had another migraine this week).
- I have to go to see if I can find a hole in the road down Otley Road tomorrow.
- Sat, Newsome Kirk asked me to serve at a wedding, and
- Sunday Ian Jackson wants me to take his class in Sunday School (Youth). It’s about Patriarchal Blessings – could be good.
My blessing says I will see the priesthood working in my own home great & wonderful things. I wonder who!!
SUN 4 Mch
Lovely Fast & Testimony. I had a blessing beforehand because I had such a bad headache, it made me feel ill. I was able to teach the youth about patriarchs and blessings before I felt ill again and had to go home. Joanne made the dinner for the missionaries, I had to go to bed.
MONDAY 19 MCH 84
What a busy week.
Monday was spent helping Joanne choose her subjects in school for the next 2 years.
Tuesday it was Avon night. Joanne had everything sorted and packed. I just took them out then I went to a Banquet at Norfolk Gardens for ‘Silver Circle’ members. It was very nice but I am more comfortable with the Saints.
Wednesday it was night school. My teacher tells me I am bright and should try for ‘A’ levels when I get my ‘O’ levels.
Thursday it was Seminary Monthly Meeting at Hudds. Kenneth took us. We picked Carolyn up from the Dunns'. She gave me the address for ‘Telephone House.’ I wrote for a job there. The money is much better than where I am at Bradford Cylinders.
Friday was Relief Society Birthday Party at Hudds. Joanne was washing and cleaning when I left. She is a good lass. Bradford 1 put a musical on about a pioneer woman, it was really beautiful. I was more at home with the Saints. Kenneth & Carolyn have asked Gary to live with them. He was talking about getting a flat with Darren Robinson who lives a few doors away from us. We are all a bit worried as Darren is a nice boy but weak and easily led off, and we feel Gary might be influenced for the worse if he goes with ,him.
Julie Dunn came for the weekend on Friday night. Kay and Mike [Dunn] are having a break, it will be nice for them. Julie is no trouble and good company for Joanne.
Lewis rang to say Karen was depressed and he didn’t know how to help her. I spoke to her for a while and told her to come up for the weekend next week. She rang me Sunday to say she felt better and would be coming in 2 weeks so she could be with me for ‘Mothers Day.’
I felt a lovely spirit at Church on Sunday. I felt agitated when I went, but there was a peaceful feeling there. I was set apart for 3 months as a Ward Missionary. I am excited. I hope I can really serve and bring some people into the Church.
No letter from Pam this week. I wish she would write.
PS. Bought a wall unit last Saturday.
Sunday 25TH MCH 84
The clocks went forward last night. That means lighter nights, I am glad: for now I can get some work done in the garden. I have been tidying it up a bit this week. I took the last of the old fence down.
I bought a wall unit last week. It was delivered on Tuesday: it really makes the house look nicer. I need new curtains and a rug now. I covered the suite before Christmas.
Joanne keeps saying she is bored. This irritates me beyond measure. I think she is a super child; she washes and cleans and walks the dog, and I really appreciate her help, but oh! How I wish she wouldn’t keep saying “I’m bored.”
What upsets me most is not that she says it, but that she knows how much it upsets me and she continually says it.
Why does she want to hurt?
Saturday the youth did a part of Shakespeare’s ‘Midsummer Nights Dream’ at a drama festival at Huddersfield. They were a roaring success. I would love to have been up there on stage. I love to act. Martin Dunn has the same feelings about it. He won the ‘Best Actor’ award.
We had Video Conference today, it was lovely. The Tabernacle Choir were beautiful. I felt the Spirit.
We went back to Gillian’s for lunch.
Gary is at Kenneth & Carolyns’, he went over last Thursday to stay for a while.
I was very brave today. I took a Book of Mormon in to Stan & Janet and asked them to accept it. I explained a bit about the book and left a copy of Nov Ensign with an article about the Book of Mormon by Bruce R McConkie. I pray they will read it and pray about it.
WED 28TH MCH
Maurice rang tonight with some bad news about my Mother. He says she has cancer. I hate the word it makes me feel sick just writing it down. Mother says she won’t have an operation although the doctor has told her it is in the upper bowel and can be got rid of. I fasted Thurs. It’s awful! Things like this happen to other people, so it seems.
Went to see my Mum. I was afraid. I didn’t know what to say but it was alright once we started talking.
Sat 31 March
Called again to see my Mum. Waited for Ronnie [Goodwin] to come. He had been once and had to go home, he was too upset to come in. My Mum had slept all night with curlers in to look her best for him so he wouldn’t worry. She is a special lady.
Dodo is more active and looking after herself more now.
Karen and Lewis came up and we went to the Gold & Green Ball. I didn’t really enjoy so much this time. [sic] There was no one I could dance with to the ballroom dancing, and they only played one barn dance.
It was nice to be with the Saints and especially Karen. She is brighter (and fatter) now.
I wish Pamela would write. She is terrible for writing, but when she feels guilty she rings.
Sunday 1 April
Joanne bought me some bath cubes and a chocolate orange.
Karen & Lewis bought me a box of chocolates and an orchid.
Gary bought me 20 beautiful red roses, and I got a bunch of daffodils from church. It really was nice getting fussed over.
Friday 6 April
President Jokl interviewed me for a Temple recommend. He thinks I am great.
Bishop [Rodney] Crossley thinks I am great.
I wish I was as great as they think I am. It makes me want to try harder. I love and respect these men, they work so hard for the Lord.
SAT. 7TH APRIL 84
Talked with my mother today. She told me that one week after she was fourteen years old, she came to Bradford from Sheffield to work as a maid, cleaning and serving at the table for a family on Bradford Road, Frizinghall. She had to wear a uniform with an apron & cap, and she wasn’t happy about that, especially if she had to go post a letter. She didn’t like the man of the house, he was very abrupt, even with his wife, and the child, a boy, was a terror. He once threw a floor cloth into the milkman’s churn and his mother had to pay for the whole churn of milk.
After about a year she left and went to work for Mr. Wright who owned a confectioner’s shop. His wife had a nervous breakdown after having her last baby in the change. Dodo [Ethel Green’s sister, Muriel, who was always called Dodo] came over soon after this and she worked for Mr. Wright as well. They both took an interest in the young child and Dodo read to him a lot.
My father [Norman Goodwin] lived at Frizinghall and my Mum said he used to follow her around. They were married on June [ ] at the Bradford Register Office.
Went to see my Mum tonight, she is a lot better. The specialist says he can operate successfully. On the way home, I was going up Emm Lane when the sun flashed in my eyes and blinded me. I ran into the back of a parked car. There was a nice young man came to help me from the Pub across the road.
Ken & Carolyn came to take me home and Dean [Leonard] came to pick up my bike. How silly I am. I should have stopped [the bike].
It seems like spring has sprung today, the blossom has come out so quickly on the trees, and the daffodils are blooming.
It’s Easter weekend.
Gary is living at Ken & Carolyns’ for a while, and Joanne is down at Karen’s.
I don’t think I’m lonely, well, maybe a little.
SUNDAY 29 APRIL 84
Our Ward Conference today. I felt very uplifted. I once again came to realize how blessed I am. Pres Jokl talked about Temple ordinances, and how we each have to gain a testimony of the truth behind the symbols. I wonder how I can let people know the blessings they are missing. No one wants to know. I remember I didn’t at first. How glad I am that the missionaries didn’t give up on me.
Sis [Irene] Day the Relief Society Stake Pres talked about how important we all are and not to have inferiority complexes. I hope I always remember her talk. If we have confidence in ourselves we are sure to succeed.
Monday 30 April
My mother had her operation. Today I fasted.
Tues. 1 MAY
I was the eldest daughter. It was my duty to go see the doctor to find out about the operation. When I walked back to mother’s bed, Audrey, Janet, Maurice, Charlie, and Linda watched my face, and of course my Mother. I had to smile and waffle about what a quick recovery Mother was making, and how amazing the doctors thought she was for a woman nearly 80 years old.
Underneath, I was stunned and so disappointed. They had said it would be a simple operation to take the cancer out of the bowel and stitch the bowel together again. The horrible thing was in her pancreas and had crept into her bowel and duodenum. They had bypassed her infected bowel and made it possible for her to eat, but that was all they could do. The cancer will kill her. I pray she might not suffer too much. I would rather she went quickly. I can’t bear to see her in pain. How others must have suffered.
I am sat in my mother’s kitchen. Mum is home from hospital and we are trying to make sure she is not alone for long. I can’t be here during the day so I am sleeping here during the week. It’s hard to watch my mother deteriorate but I have had some nice moments talking with her. She is so brave.
I told her I was glad she was my mother and I loved her.
The trees here are so beautiful with blossom this year. It makes you feel glad to be alive. I have this happy feeling inside me and every so often it bubbles up and I feel really elated and so glad of the knowledge I have and so thankful to my Heavenly Father. I have never felt so much at peace with the world, even though I have the worry of my Mum, and of course, Gary.
He had his nose broken today by a boy on our estate. He is working at ‘Pizza Hut’ in town as a chef now and doing very well. It was his day off yesterday and he came home to pay me what he owed me and have a game of football with his friends. It turned out that one of them punched Gary’s nose and broke it.
Kenneth & Carolyn came to the rescue again.
I have another moped now, a Yamaha Passola. It is like a little scooter and so useful. I couldn’t get to my Mum’s without it.
SUNDAY JUNE 24
Stake Conference today. It was very uplifting but most of all the music was inspiring. Sis [Mary] Coles of Ward 1 Bfd is so clever with the choir.
Gary was sat on the front row with Kenneth. He complained about coming in but sat there under sufferance because Carolyn was speaking. He had an old tee shirt on and his pants were split.
After the service he came up to me and said what a fantastic conference it had been, and he said he could hardly breath when the choir was singing because it was so beautiful. “The Spirit touched him through the music I’m sure.”
Thank you Lord for Music, for my beautiful children, for my wonderful life, for my testimony, for thy great love for me.
(Who is Ronnie Bray – what is he)
MY MOTHER DIED
20 JULY 1984
TUESDAY 24 JULY 1984
Just another day to most people we passed on the way to Nab Wood Cemetery, but for me and my brothers & sisters it was the day we paid our last respects to our Mother. Oh, how she has suffered these last few weeks, but at last the Lord took her last Friday. I was travelling down to London at the time with Joanne to put her on a plane to Seattle. Audrey & Maurice were with her and she died peacefully.
Dodo has taken it very well. Her death wasn’t as hard to bear as watching her suffer.
I was disappointed that Gary wasn’t there, he had to work. Karen would have come but she is 2 days overdue with her baby. I hope my mother accepts the Gospel so that when I have the work done for her she will be willing to accept it.
After our [LDS] way of conducting a [funeral] service, I find the one today very artificial, read from a book and chanted. The wording of the 23rd Psalm and the Lord’s Prayer were altered, which I didn’t like. If only these people would listen to the truth!
I went to Kenneth & Carolyns’ last night for F.H.E. The Sister Missionaries were there and Sis [Edith] Allen, and Gary of course. We had a very enjoyable evening together. Carolyn had it confirmed today that she is pregnant. They have waited over 3 years for this baby.
Joanne rang on Sunday, she has had her hair cut short. Oh Dear! Pam thinks she is lovely (so do I). On the way to London a young Egyptian boy was fascinated with her. He came to sit with us and chatted to Joanne about Pop Stars.
Went to a New Testament Symposium about 3 weeks ago. It was super. The truth is so clear it just amazes me that everyone doesn’t join our church. I am looking forward to Seminary.
I have been thinking about my Mother. she didn’t have anything when she died because she gave it all away as she got it. She had the gift of giving and I know she will be greatly blessed. She gained a lot of love from a lot of people and will be missed. Every week she spent half her pension on sweets and biscuits for her children and grandchildren. There were 19 wreaths and sprays at her funeral today.
FRIDAY 10 – 8 – 84
Lovely day today. It’s a shame I have to spend most of it inside, yet I am grateful to be able to work and keep myself. Sitting in the garden, I will prepare Sunday’s lesson.
Going back to last week, Karen had her baby on Monday 30th July, a lovely boy Nathan Ashley Scott. She is such a lovely mother. We had to rush from the park to the hospital and she gave birth in the corridor – it brings back memories. My births were hectic!
Gary had a party for his 18th birthday on Sat 21st July. His birthday was 26th but Ken & Carolyn are moving. Gary came home for a fortnight. I have enjoyed his company.
Gave Gail at work a Bible this week and marked some scriptures for her. I know it will help her.
Ella is struggling to eat a great big dirty bone she has found somewhere. Ugh!
Got a card from Joanne. She is having fun.
I have found a new friend. Well, not exactly new, I have known him about 2 years but we are getting to know each other a little better. I got a letter today from him (Ronnie Bray) and a poster about Teachers. It is very beautiful, both the words themselves and the poster. It must have taken hours to write.
SAT. 11 AUG 1984.* SPECIAL DAY * (REFER BACK TO 29-2-84)
Now I know who Ronnie Bray is. He is the man I am going to spend eternity with.
Went to Shipley Glen today for a picnic with Ronnie Bray, we held hands, that was nice. Then we boated on the river. I really enjoyed that, I felt like a Queen. We talked all evening and found each other (I pray we did) time will tell. The thoughts of this great step we contemplate is overwhelming. I wish I could cry to release this strange feeling of excitement &, I don’t know, really. Last night [I] hardly slept; can’t eat properly. I feel like I was sixteen again. My first sweet kiss last night. I like it! I can hardly wait to see him again. I rang Sunday morning just to see if it was real. It is!
Shared Ronnie with a special Interest fireside. Didn’t want to, but glad I did. Spirit great.
THURS.I need to go to the doctor’s today. I haven’t eaten properly since last Saturday. I am full of butterflies.
I feel so safe and warm in Ronnie’s arms, like I’m home. It all seems too good to be true, I am afraid sometimes. This morning I thought about why I love Ronnie Bray.
- First, he loves the Lord.
- Second, he makes me feel so special – I hope I don’t disappoint him.
- Third, he has a love for people – all people – especially old people and young people – a lovely caring nature.
- Fourth, he is intelligent and good company.
- Fifth, he makes me laugh.
- Sixth, he moves me emotionally.
- Seventh, he wants to look after me – Oh! To be looked after.
- Eighth, I admire his many – many talents – especially the way he writes letters.
- Ninth, he loves my children.
- Tenth, I just do love him.
When I come across a fault, and we all have our weaknesses, will I delight in a chance to help him overcome, or will I be selfish and demand perfection. Oh, God, give me the strength to do what I should and always feel the love I feel right now for Ronnie Bray, whatever the future may bring, and may he not be disappointed when he discovers I am human and not as perfect as he thinks I am.
I know my children will love him, he is so loveable. I seem to spend my time gazing into his eyes when he’s here, and daydreaming about him when he’s not. Nothing has been done this week.
Discovered more about my love today. He has a depth to him I have never found in anyone else. How difficult he has found life. Would anyone else think of the mother of Judas and her sorrow?
The doctor tells me I am overexcited (he has no idea!) and the he hope I will live happily ever after. I certainly have a good chance with this man I have found. It is lovely ringing people up and getting their blessings.
I rang Pres [Doug] Rawson and he was so happy for us.
Then Bishop [Les] Ryan said “a fine man and a fine woman.” He said we were both survivors and will do well together. I know we will. I can feel my love for him in every fibre of my being and this I mean physically. I am almost too weak to move sometimes with it. I now know what it means when we are told [that] unless we are celestial, we can’t bear a celestial glory. I can hardly bear this love.
To Huddersfield tonight to a Hoe Down, our first church public appearance – it could be fun!!
It was fun. He isn’t the world’s greatest dancer, but he did it for me. That is wonderful. Everyone shares our joy. It is so great I am sure I’m floating.
The most lovely day I have ever spent. It was absolutely perfect. We talked about his books and each other. His home is so full of character, I love it. The church meetings were lovely, people watched us. He is so proud of me I could tell and I burst with pride for him. I am beginning to see what I really am blest with, he’s ‘TERRIFIC.’
Ronnie Bray can cook – oooh! What a delicious meal he made for us. I, at last, was hungry and ate quite a lot. I really was sorry not to be able to eat it all. I think my stomach has shrunk with not eating this last week. There will be other times.
I get waves of joy come over me when I think this will go on and on. Can you burst with love? Stand back I say.
SUN 2ND SEPT 84
Yesterday we went shopping together. That was lovely. We bought my pattern for my wedding dress. I sometimes still wonder if it’s real. When I wake in a morning and it all comes flooding back I am overjoyed everyday. We plan to succeed and I know we will.
We helped Gary choose a carpet for his bedroom. Ronnie has decorated it for him.
We ate liquorice whorls and drank dandelion & burdock and watched Tele. It was a wonderful day.
Today we went to Bradford Ward . It was nice to show him off, and everyone loved him (who could help it). We waited for Ward 1 members coming to see our friends there and share our joy. Bishop Ryan wasn’t there. I still have that squeeze to come.
Ronnie cooked our dinner. We had a salty but super beef curry. Then we went o for a walk round the ‘Chellow.,’ and talked and talked. I feel very much at peace. Ronnie read poetry to me when we got back and we had peaches & ice-cream. I asked him how much he loved me and he said, “More than any woman has the right to be loved.” It takes my breath away to be loved so much. We have prayers together every night, it is so good.
I miss Joanne, she will love him I know. What precious moments!
SUN 9TH SEPT
Another ‘SPECIAL’ day. How strong and true is the Gospel in this man I love. He knows the truth and stands firm in it. I love him more each day.
Visited Gordon Williams’ home. It was an extremely enjoyable experience. Margaret Williams is so sweet and makes you feel at home. Gordon makes you laugh with his tales and uplifts you with his Gospel talk. I knew I was missing a lot not being in contact with the priesthood. Oh, how I will rejoice when Ronnie regains his priesthood powers. He really works hard for the Lord and I know he is watching over us.
How strange love is. It reverts from sweet to overwhelming pride, to passion and back to quiet sweet again. Sometimes I feel it is more than I can bear. What will I do with a celestial love? I feel like a child. I trust and love completely with no reservations – this makes me very vulnerable I know, but this is the way I am. Ronnie wouldn’t hurt me I know.
MON. 10 SEPT
Ronnie finished Joanne’s bedroom today. It is pink with Pierrots on one wall. He has made it look so pretty she will be thrilled. We worked together this evening. It was lovely, we seem to blend so well I can’t believe it. He is like my other half.
SUN SEPT 23 1984
Gary was ordained an Elder today. Kenneth Leonard ordained him. It was a very spiritual experience and he was given a wonderful blessing.
Upset Ronnie today! Oh dear, what shall I do if I make a mess of this. It’s hard to be in love. I forget everything and don’t serve the Lord as well as I should. After this wonderful blessing I should be more willing. I am really, I just can’t get things sorted. How long the days are when we are apart.
28 SEPT 84
Friday, Relief Society/Priesthood dinner tonight. Lovely meeting all the people in the stake and getting their approval at my intended marriage to Ronnie Bray. I feel so happy. It worries me that anyone has a right to feel as happy as I do. Each ward put a skit on. We did a hairdressers shop. I was the sweeper-up. As they sang the last chorus of “Silvery Moon.” I came on, with a brush upside [held] down with a card stuck on saying ‘Ronnie and I wore a wedding veil. There was a good response from the audience and Ronnie laughed. I love to make him laugh. I pray I always will do.
Went to visit ‘Dodo’ this morning, and Audrey. It was nice showing him off. Shopped in Shipley Market and met Janet. Maurice and Linda came for supper last week. Everyone seems to like Ronnie. I’m not surprised, he’s lovely.
I am settling down a bit to waiting patiently for our marriage. I don’t know how long it will be but I do know God loves me and if I try hard to be as he wants me to be I will receive his blessings.
Ronnie is a perfect gentleman and deserves the Lord’s blessings. We really need a little time, it’s only 7 weeks since we first went out together. There is so much to do first anyway. Last Sat we chose our wedding rings. That was a happy occasion. Hope Pamela isn’t too long making my dress. I am dying to see it.
(PLEASE NOTE If anything should happen to me before I can be married to Ronnie Bray, I desire with all my heart to be sealed by proxy to him in the Temple of our Lord)
[Signed] Norma Redmonds
18 Oct 84
Karen’s new baby Nathan Ashley Scott was blessed Fast Sunday on Oct. We, that is Ronnie, Joanne, & myself, went down to Telford (Via hired car) on Fri evening and came home Sunday evening. It was a wonderful weekend.
Karen loves my Ronnie. I am so glad. Sometimes I feel unhappy and unsure of myself. I put this down to my age and the fact I have never had anyone to love me quite like Ronnie before, and I am so afraid of being hurt. I tend to open up and give my all, then wonder if I am overwhelming him with my gushing. It is difficult to get my mind under control. I am trying and failing miserably sometimes. I must not lower my standards or I will stop both our progression.
Last Sunday we were at Church together as a little family. I felt so proud and happy. In the evening we went to Huddersfield to see Pres [Douglas] Rawson released from his calling (he is going to Canada). I do love that man and he loves me. I shall miss him.
Gordon Williams was there and Joseph B Wirthlin, who was so sweet, and his wife too. Could I be a wife like that when the lord starts using this great man I am going to be married to. I pray I will be worthy. Help me, Lord, to know my failings, that I may overcome [them] with his help. I love thee, Lord, and thank thee for my abundant blessings, specially for Ronnie Bray.
Road Shows tonight, it was enjoyable. The standard is getting better all the time. There were some skits & light entertainment in between shows. I did Looby Loo with the [Brian and Lillian] Turner family. It was fun.
Super fireside for Missionaries tonight. Ronnie spoke as a returned Missionary. He speaks so well I could listen for hours. I am fortunate because I get to hear him at home too.
Joanne went off to Telford today.
It has been a really lovely day today once I got over my funny turn in the morning. I get these feelings of not being loved by anyone and I know really there are lots of people who do love me and my children, and of course, Ronnie. Sometimes I feel so happy and in love, then I feel miserable and afraid to marry. I have prayed long and often for guidance and I really feel Heavenly Father wants me to marry Ronnie Bray. I think because we both want to return to Heavenly Father, we have every chance of making it, and I do so admire him for his many talents, and we have fun together, and we listen to beautiful music together, and we both love the Gospel. Surely, everything will be alright.
Last Monday we had a F.H.E. It was just like a real one with Father, Mother, and children. Gary came and we enjoyed learning and just being together. I really felt so happy. God has blessed me so much.
Monday 29th Oct 1984
Gary came today for F.H.E. Joanne was down at Telford. It was really nice talking and being together as a family. Gary bought Ronnie a pair of leather gloves as his had been taken on Sunday from church, and he bought me a long-stemmed rose; it was so beautiful. I love my son. He can be so sweet sometimes.
Ronnie showed him some chords on the Guitar.
Seminary went well. There was a Relief Society party tonight for Halloween. I spent the time in the kitchen exchanging experiences with sisters who are all going through the menopause and having funny turns too. I don’t feel so alone now. It is good to have such good friends who understand.
I must admit Ronnie is so patient with me and I treat him badly sometimes. I hope it isn’t too long before we can marry. Sometimes it feels like it will never happen, because before we get there something will spoil it all. I feel strongly that Heavenly Father is pleased. Maybe it’s the devil that sees our potential together. Where I am weak, he is strong, and where he is weak, I am strong. Together, we are almost perfect.
Wed 31st Oct
Went to see Violet Chattaway tonight. She was please I had gone. She hadn’t been to church for 2 weeks and was feeling low.
Ronnie is at Priesthood Meeting at Huddersfield. I will get to know what is taught there now! I am looking forward to tomorrow evening.
Pam rang tonight. She is very ill and has been in bed 3 days with ‘strep’ and a kind of ‘flu. She tells me she has bought the material for my wedding dress.
I am going to fast tomorrow for her and for Gary who will be tracting with the missionaries. I wish I could have all my children together now and again. I miss them. The Lord has blessed me with a companion just at the right time, now my nest is emptying and |I might feel lost with myself. I feel sad that I won’t have any more babies. How sad for those who never had any at all.
Read my patriarchal blessing today. It was very very uplifting, just like my heavenly Father speaking to me.
SAT 3rd NOV
Lewis, Karen, & babies came up today. Joanne came home with them. It rained very heavily all day but we had sunshine in our home. Ronnie made some nice meals for us all. I do love the evenings when the Television is forgotten and we laugh & talk and sing.
SUN 4TH NOV
Today was good, I felt close to the Lord. In fact, he seemed to talk to me all day in my lessons and through leaders. I know I am fortunate to have such a wonderful family and I must stop being so frivolous and conduct myself in a more ladylike manner.
Gary was called as 2nd counsellor in the Elders quorum today. He is very proud of himself and rightly so. The responsibilities will do him good.
Karen bore testimony in Relief Society. She said she was proud to have a mother who was a “Woman of Faith”. I felt so humble and not altogether at peace with myself, but I know something, I will work to deserve this name.
Ronnie bore testimony. I feel so proud when he tells the world he loves me. I have heard many men stand up there and say how their wives love helps and sustains them and hoped one day I might have someone to love & sustain.
MON. 5 NOV
Bonfire night. We went to Dewsbury to the Stake fireside. It was nice being in a social gathering with the saints. Ronnie made lots of toffee things!! Oh, dear.
Too much to do today. I got het up and miserable. I make others miserable too. Must sort my life out and get my priorities right. I was so high on Sunday & Monday; I do hate coming down to earth. My marriage seems like Christmas when I was a child. I feel it will never ever come. Tomorrow I will try to be brighter.
Had a special evening visiting teaching with Violet and felt very spiritual. Was excited about coming home to Ronnie, but my mood changed when I got in and I felt this anger rising inside me. I really don’t know why.
Ronnie made me a drink and a sandwich, then took me out in the car on my Avon round. I really tried hard to control my feelings but they eventually surfaced. There seems no end to this emotional seesaw I am on. I know one day it will pass, but what about in between? I want to know what makes me angry and why I don’t even know if I am in love anymore. I am afraid it will get worse. I want to be happy; I enjoy being happy; I was happy once. Please, Lord, help me!
Wasn’t very well today but improved a lot at teatime. Ronnie took me shopping at Morrisons. He is so good to me. Ronnie started work today. I am so glad. It will help us to be a more Zion family when we can support ourselves and get free from debt.
Looking at photos of my family taken at Nathan’s blessing, I felt so happy to be blessed with such a lovely family. I am looking forward to Christmas when Matthew can be with us.
SAT 10TH NOV
Visit to the [London] Temple today. Went down on the overnight [coach]. The Lord has blessed me in that I didn’t get swollen ankles or jumpy legs, and I slept a little on the bus. It was good to be in the House of the Lord and I felt a thrill when I thought about being there with Ronnie on our wedding day. I was very uplifted and felt happier than I had for quite a long time. It was nice having Ronnie to meet me when I got home and to be able to share the happiness I felt. Not that we talked too much about it, rather it was a feeling of sharing spiritually where no words are necessary.
We watched a late night movie; not that I really watched it, just sitting quietly with Ronnie was the enjoyable part. I do believe we are getting closer.
Slept a while after church, then studied the scriptures with Ronnie. I got the impression at one stage that we aren’t supposed to laugh at all, which distressed me. The thought of eternity without laughing is unbearable. Ronnie assured me that it was loud laughter and excess of laughter, and untimely laughter which offends the Lord. Rang ‘Norman’ [Anson] to invite him over one evening. Karen rang after Ronnie had gone home (Back to George’s [Murray]). SHE SAYS, ”WHERE’S THE SEMINARY I WAS PROMISED?”
Ronnie went to see the Bishop [Rodney Crossley] yesterday for an interview. He was called as investigator class teacher. He is so good at teaching and loves to do it he also loves the scriptures. I am so happy. I too love the scriptures, and even though I don’t know them as well as Ronnie, I do enjoy reading & learning from them.
When I think how Ronnie and I love each other at the moment, I don’t want it to ever end. Some people love each other always. How can we keep our love constant and true, warm & tender, sweet and caring, exciting and romantic. Do I want too much asking for this for eternity. I personally think ‘respect’ is the answer: if we both strive to respect the other and deserve the respect, then our love is on a sound basis. We must keep a constant check on our feelings for each other; they must be told often so that nothing can creep in without us knowing and being able to counteract it.
Ronnie bore a powerful testimony to me of the truthfulness of the scriptures and left me feeling very blest. Oh, how wonderful it will be when the Lord blesses (us) him with his priesthood powers. I am so excited by that because I know I can share this blessing as Ronnie’s wife. It is a great pity when sister don’t know what power they have within their own homes in their husband’s priesthood. I pray I will always appreciate it and encourage Ronnie to honour it.
MONFound some rose petals in m my Bible this morning from the rose Gary bought me; evidence of Ronnie’s caring for me. I do love him.
19 NOV 1984My birthday. 51 Today. I don’t feel 51, I feel more like 16. I know I should be more demure and settle down to growing old gracefully, but I do have trouble with this. When one is in love especially, it makes you feel very young and happy. Gary came today. We had a birthday tea with ice cream. I did enjoy our evening – we played Blind Man’s Buff, which we used to play at our Family Home Evenings when the children were younger. I think Ronnie was a bit bewildered by our excitement and pleasure at such a simple game. But, childish though it was, it brought back such happy memories that playing it was all the more pleasurable. I got some lovely birthday gifts. Ronnie bought me some lovely gloves for riding my bike, so warm and comfortable – he is so sweet. Joanne bought me some Thornton’s Continentals, and Gary bought a marble rolling pin on a stand (very beautiful). I got such lovely presents from Karen & Lewis I grandchildren too, it really was a special birthday. The first with my love. I pray I might spend every other one with him.
Joanne is having 14 year old problems. I am so glad Ronnie loves her and knows her best side too. We will love her through these difficult years. It is our last chance to be good parents and we won’t fail her. She can be so sweet when she wants. I hope she can come to terms with having a Dad.
Karen rang, she tells me that she gave a good presentation at Primary Stake Leadership (I bet she did too) and the President said she cried and thanked Heavenly Father for sending her to Telford. That girl is so special, I thank Heavenly Father for sending her to me. I love her so much.
Got a card from Maurice & Linda. We have to ring them to go for a meal one evening. I must give them a Book of Mormon. I do try to spread the Gospel. Nobody listens very much.
I wonder what Ronnie Bray really thinks of me! I try to see myself through his eyes, but I only get bewildered. If I knew what he disapproved of, I would try to change. I want him to be proud of me. Does he compare me with others? I suppose he must, it would be silly to think not. Do I compare him with Vic? Not really, except that I am not used to being treat[ed] with such concern; having my coat held for me to put on, doors opened, meals made, and many more things which all tell me he really cares. This is not just bed love; it shows he really cares for me. I can imagine that even bed love will be to please me too. What a joy he is to me.
I hurt him last Friday by being sulky and having these awful feelings of not being loved. I don’t want to do this. When I am not sitting close, I can’t explain how I feel, and I couldn’t get close somehow. I was so afraid. I was, as it seemed, in a boat drifting further away and I couldn’t find the oars. Oh, I was so afraid!
Saturday night was wonderful. He really tried to please me at his own expense. I don’t know that I have in my whole life felt so wonderful and really cared about. Being so much in love is so dangerous, the devil would be so happy to use our love to trap us, but I think he will have his work cut out because we both love the Lord most. That’s the secret. We must never forget!
SUN 25TH NOVBishop Brian Whitehead is our new high councilman and came to speak to us today. He interviewed me as stake vice chairman for Special Interest to work with Ronnie as Chairman. I was shaking so much when he finally asked me, I almost felt panic stricken. Where would I find the time? I have never refused a calling but I felt I couldn’t face this. I asked Bishop [Whitehead] to interview Ronnie with me (He was teaching the Investigators) then leave us to discuss it. Ronnie could find no problem. I wish I had his strength. I did have once, what has happened to me. Whatever it is, I don’t like it. I spent the rest of the day crying over trivial things, which seemed more than I could bear at the time. We talked later about the Gospel, and I always feel calm and secure when we do that.
We planned a Family Home Evening for tomorrow. The missionaries are coming. Barry [O’Brien] came later and Ronnie explained the Tribes of Israel to him. I could sit here for hours listening, what a great knowledge he has. The Lord has much for him to do, I’m sure. Gary was set apart as counsellor in the Elders Quorum today.
MON.Had a lovely FHE with the missionaries, an investigator called Ernie, Angie Crotty, Violet Chattaway, Karen Robinson, and my children. Ronnie gave us a good lesson on preparing our minds for Christmas. There was a lovely spirit. I had been feeling low all day and it was good to be uplifted. Had a nice talk with Gary when everyone had gone. He is growing up now and becoming more responsible. Ronnie told him to do something on two occasions during the evening and he was obedient straight away. He really has a lot of love and respect for Ronnie. He said if I changed my mind and didn’t marry him, then he wouldn’t speak to me again. Only a figure of speech, I know, but it shows how much he thinks of Ronnie. He spoke of how Ronnie spoke up for the truth in priesthood the day before, and how proud he felt that he had the knowledge and the courage. These are the attributes I love about him myself so much.
TUES.Read an Ensign this morning. The Lord speaks to me so clearly I don’t deserve it. I realized that I hadn’t had the Spirit very close recently, which is my own fault; my thoughts have not been pure. But on Sunday I was brought up short when Ronnie asked Barry, if he died, would he go to the Celestial Kingdom as he was now. I know I could not, so determined with God’s help to put my life in order. The devil worries me like a terrier with a rabbit skin, but I will beat him because I have the Lord’s help. Maybe when I et my own house in order I will be able to pray for the things I desire, like Ronnie’s priesthood blessings restored. Nor for my own selfish desires, but so that he can serve God. THEN maybe I will be blessed with my own desires. I KNOW how it works, but sometimes I lose sight, what a loving Father in Heaven who prompts me.
SUN 2 DECHad a bad day with depression. I worry that people will get fed up with me. Joanne seems to be struggling too. She doesn’t seem to know how to cope with having Ronnie as a father. I had a blessing from Mike Dunn & Newsome Kirk. I really feel so much better. Gary was interviewed by Bishop [Rodney Crossley] for a Missionary calling; some forms were filled in. This is a dream come true.
MON.Felt good today. FHE not so hot. Gary forget and went to a party, Joanne fell out with us and sulked. Ronnie and I had out own FHE. We read a book called The Screwtape Letters. Well, Ronnie read and I listened. I enjoy hearing him read. I hope it won’t be too long before we can marry. Ronnie borrowed some slides of Jerusalem: they are good. I must make sure he has all the equipment he needs to teach and inspire people. It is his greatest talent and a joy to behold.
SUN 16 DecA lovely Christmas spirit is abroad. There is a famine in Ethiopia and it is wonderful to see the way people are raising money to help. Yesterday whilst shopping in Bradford we came across a group of youths with a couple of guitars and a placard which said, “We can’t sing and we can’t play, but we care about the people starving in Ethiopia.” They were singing and playing out of tune but I think they were wonderful and would have been proud to call them mine.
It has been a good week. I have felt well and on Thursday, my wedding dress arrived from America. Gary brought it into work for me. I couldn’t believe how well it fit, I am so happy about it, such a beautiful dress. I wonder how long?
Friday [I] went to dinner at Coniston at Idle with work. I didn’t want to go. I would have preferred to go to faculty [Meeting] at Hudd with Ronnie, but even so, I must admit I enjoyed myself. There was some dancing, and I do love to dance.
Finished Christmas shopping on Sat. Paid the wedding rings off. All we need now is the Lord’s blessing.
Gary rang me this afternoon to say he had set Jim Kirk apart after I left church. He said he was moved by the Spirit to say the prayer. He was quite excited about it. I hope he remembers these times when he is low. Kenneth has such a good influence on him and [on] all the youth. Today he took Joanne home with him to help her catch up on her Seminary. She wouldn’t do it for me. I told Gary if Kenneth isn’t careful he will be translated. Gary said, “No. He was much too mean.” He keeps putting hid guitar out of tune and swearing he never touched it.
Orson F Whitney, an apostle, told of a dream he had about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane as he prayed to Heavenly Father that “This cup might pass from me.” Jesus was afraid, and yet he didn’t falter but did his Father’s will. How weak and petty I am at times when I have to do Father’s will; so little compared with my Saviour. If only I could remember these things at the time. I would be more willing to keep the commandments. Ronnie is to give a slide show of Jerusalem on Tuesday to the Seminary Students. It will help them to understand more about Jesus. I feel they will get some idea of what it was like where Jesus walked.
TUES.The slide show was super. Ronnie gave it due reverence and brought a wonderful spirit, especially when he showed the Garden of Gethsemane. You could have heard a pin drop, and I almost cried when I thought of almost seeing my Saviour in that Garden. I think the students will benefit as they study.
After, we had a Young Women sharing time when the young girls were presented with certificates. Joanne got one for personal progress. She had taken a jumper and a suit she made in America to show some of her achievements. I think I have a beautiful daughter, not only in looks but in nature too. I think Ronnie was proud of her too. It is good to watch the girls & boys develop and grow up in the Gospel. I pray for them that they may be strong and true. I know it’s not easy to be good, but I know it is worth it. I only hope they will understand this.
Today I was very tormented in my mind. I decided that marriage was out. I for one wasn’t fit to be a good wife to anyone with my moods at the moment and I decided that Ronnie didn’t really love me at all. I really was so miserable all day and tried to pretend at work that all was well. On the way home my mood changed and I was in love again and longing to see Ronnie. I hope this doesn’t last long, I will be a wreck. I must have more faith in my blessing and prayers.
Had a wonderful Christmas at Karen’s. Matthew came up from London. Karen, Joanne, Ronnie, and I went to meet him at Oakengates station. We made a large banner saying, “Welcome Matthew” and sang We Wish You a Merry Christmas accompanied by a drum, cymbals, and bells. I had a cold on Boxing Day and wasn’t very well, but it was a lovely Christmas for all that. Matthew came home with us on Thurs. 27th Dec.
New Years Eve we all went to Huddersfield for a ‘Ball’ which really was a disco with too many people there (700). Even so, it was nice to be with all the people we love and know. Gary & Joanne were there. It was my first New Year with Ronnie. (I’m still acting like a spoilt child when I feel the least bit neglected). It would be nice if Matthew understood the Gospel and had a Testimony; he would make a good Latter-day Saint.